For once in my life I agree with the Wicked Witch. Watching a television monitor as Gordon Brown was telling the Labour conference what a privilege it was to work with her husband, the WW barked: 'That's a lie,' and stomped off.

Yes, I know he got the obligatory standing ovation in the hall and his performance will have impressed those commentators who see themselves as part of the process rather than dispassionate observers.

Here was the man who once told Tony Blair 'there is nothing you could say to me now that I could possibly believe' ladling praise upon the Prime Minister's head like a short order chef pouring Hollandaise sauce over eggs benedict.

gofers have been GORDON'S peddling poison about Blair for as long as I can remember, ever since the infamous Granita deal. The line then was that he had only agreed to give Tony a free run at the leadership in exchange for total control of the domestic agenda.

That was a lie, too. Brown stood down because he knew he would get slaughtered if it was put to the vote. Having convinced himself he wuz robbed, Gordon has spent the past 12 years in a vengeful sulk, plotting for the day when what he sees as his rightful inheritance falls into his lap. Never has the distinction between a ray of sunshine and a Scotsman with a grievance been more pronounced.

Now he's within touching distance of the highest office, he's embarked on a cynical, capped-teeth charm offensive, garnished with mawkish sentimentality, to introduce us to the 'real' Gordon Brown.

Brown spoke of how he wanted to create a Britain where there were no 'second-class' citizens. Yet under his government, there are already two very distinct classes of citizens — those who work for the state and all the rest of us.

over the past nine years — along with the millions already there — can look forward to a comfortable, index-linked retirement, those of us in the private sector have seen the value of our pensions fall by three-quarters under Labour.

As a direct result of Gordon's £5 billion-a-year raid on pension funds, a generation of older people faces an impoverished and uncertain future.

Meanwhile, The Man Who Stole Your Old Age can himself look forward to a gold-plated, taxpayer-funded retirement income of at least £100,000 a year at today's prices.

He boasts of his intention to solve the housing crisis — which he has exacerbated by colluding in mass, uncontrolled immigration — while at the same time presiding over an inheritance tax regime which means thousands of vulnerable people will have to sell their homes to pay his punitive death duties.

So when the Chancellor promises a constitutional revolution, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. We've had a constitutional revolution under Labour — and as a result the English are now second-class citizens in a so-called United Kingdom, of which they comprise 80 per cent of the population and pay the lion's share. All for selfish, sectarian political advantage, since Labour relies on Scottish votes to rule.

The fact is that the Chancellor has been the most powerful member of the Cabinet and he has controlled the purse strings. Every major decision of the past nine-and-a-half years — including the war in Iraq — has his fingerprints on it.

been told WE'VE repeatedly that Gordon is the 'real' Prime Minister. Now we're asked to forget all that and swallow the idea that he's the new broom. If he wants a different kind of Britain, he's had the best part of ten years to make it happen. Why tell us now?

That's not to say he won't get the job, but it's all beginning to unravel. People are affronted by the arrogance of all this 'renewal in office' rhetoric and the assumption that the choice of Prime Minister is entirely a matter for the Labour Party.

Meanwhile it is reported that the WW wants to become an MP and is touting herself around safe seats in Liverpool. She's an ambitious woman but her chances of advancement under Prime Minister Brown are about as rosy as the prospects of a reconciliation between Chris and Ingrid Tarrant.

'On the programme tonight, The Stig puts the G-Wiz electric car through its paces in London's congestion charging zone, being careful not to exceed 10 miles an hour.

'Jeremy will driving the Cozy, a Flint-stones-style, pedal-powered model, which does 0-3 in five seconds and is available from Early Learning Centres and all good toy shops.

Yesterday, it was reported the hunt for more than 400 foreign criminals missing in Britain is being wound down — even though many of them have reoffended and are guilty of serious sexual and violent crimes. There are going to be more Margaret Davidsons and Lin and Megan Russells so long as dangerous criminals continue to be released on licence. It won't stop until the bleeding-heart Guardianistas responsible fear prosecution themselves for the bloody consequences of their reckless decisions.

Barrie Drewitt and Tony Barlow, from Essex, used an American agency to arrange the births. They have always insisted they are normal parents who just happen to be gay.

They claimed in a statement that they weren't looking for sex, just hoping to meet like-minded people for friendship. In which case, why on their advert — under the heading 'Types I Like' — is it necessary to specify 'firemen, married men, musclemen and rugby players'?

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